Easy Creamy Rose Sauce

Hey everybody!

You know what’s awesome? Pasta. With sauce. But not some shitty canned stuff: get that crap out of my face, hoss. Homemade pasta sauce is delicious, simple, and satisfying. Also cheap. Not sure how to make sauce? Well, you’re in luck, because I am going to show you a super easy pasta sauce that will totally get you laid. You’re welcome.

Ingredients:



Some things!

 

You will need:

Olive oil (some)

Garlic (lots)

Pepper (SO MUCH)

Salt (a little)

35% Whipping Cream (1 cup)

Plain tomato sauce – the plainer the better (also 1 cup)

Cheap white wine (a splash)

Thin pasta – spaghetti, spaghettini, capellini, angel-hair (a bunch)

A pan (large-ish)

A pot (medium to large)

Optional:

Italian seasoning, seafood, onions.

SO! The object of your desire has dropped by for a casual weeknight dinner and you want to prepare a meal that says “relaxed sassy gourmand” while also suggesting some relaxed sassy makeouts. Perhaps you just returned from an art exhibition, museum show or nature hike, and now you want to eat something tasty without using up all your sex time. Slip into the kitchen, whip this up, wrap it before you tap it, etc.

Step one:

Chop garlic. How much garlic? That, my special little snowflake, depends on you. I would recommend at minimum two cloves, but it’s really best with between 5 and 10. However, if you or your lady-or-man friend are wusses, go ahead and use less garlic. I totally won’t judge you, but only because I won’t be there. Unless you are trying to have sex with me, in which case – MORE GARLIC.

Step two:

Take your pan, put it on the burner, turn it up to medium-high heat. Once hot (but not like, fires-of-hell hot), add a few tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil and toss in your garlic. Let it cook until fragrant, which is usually only a minute or two.

Yes, the above is one step. You’re a big kid, you can do it.

Step three:

Add a splash of white wine. Don’t measure this like a putz – you’re trying to see somebody naked, this should be effortless. Like “oh, I always add a splash of wine, it cuts through the acidity and gives the flavours more depth”. It should look like about a quarter to a third of a cup.

Step four:

Everything will be sizzling! Add a cup of 35% cream and then a cup of tomato sauce. In this case you should measure, because you want the two amounts to be equal – that is the secret!

Step five:

Add a shit-tonne of pepper and a few shakes/grinds of salt. How much pepper did you add? It’s not enough. Put some more in. Trust me. Now, turn that sauce down to medium heat.

Your sauce will look like this:

Sauce: The Prequel

Step six:

Put some water in a pot and set it to boil. While the water is heating up, stir your sauce to thicken. It will reduce by about a third. AND BE DELICIOUS. Taste it at this point to see you need more pepper or salt (you need more pepper).

After 10-15 minutes, your sauce will have reduced and will look like this:



The colour is darker and the consistency is more viscous!! YAY!!



Step seven:

Once your water is boiling, put in your pasta. You want long, thin pasta, because this sauce does best when you have lots of surface area and not a lot of volume. Sure, you could make it with any pasta, but don’t! Don’t be dumb. Use spaghetti, or spaghettini, or capellini. This is not a sauce for linguini or shells or some other thick, glutinous bullshit.

Once the pasta is cooked, drain it and rinse it quickly, put it in a bowl/on a plate, add sauce.

It will look like this:



This is a good substitute for love.



Make one for your paramour, cover the whole thing in parmesan (or don’t). Stuff your faces, and then let romance happen.

You can also do what I did while making it last night and splash yourself with the tomato sauce (hawt) and the pasta sauce (hot!) during the cooking process, but be warned: that kind of kooky je-ne-sais-quoi attitude will definitely make your guest fall in love with you, so use with caution.

And there you have it! Easy, quick, idiot-proof pasta sauce. Make it, eat it, thank me in the morning.

Yours,

Leslee.