Hello
ladies, gents and unspecified:
Sorry for
my long absence, I have been busily immersed in my own extremely important and
rewarding existence (HA) and have not had time to put pen to paper (or
disgusting germy fingers to disgusting germy keyboard) in quite some time. My
apologies.
That said,
let’s talk about motherfucking salads. Because too many people are fucking up
salads and I will not stand for it any longer.
If eating a
salad is a punishment – if eating a salad depresses you – if eating a salad
makes you grimace, reflect on the meaninglessness of your life, and mutter
“goddamn rabbit food” – then brother/sister/other, you are doing salad wrong.
 |
| SO RIGHT |
Don’t blame
salad for your incompetence. It’s not salad’s fault you are useless at
constructing a salad. Step off your goddamn soap box and learn what to do with
your greens, hoss.
- The foundation
Listen: if
you think week-old iceberg lettuce is good enough then you are a lying scumbag.
Of course your salad is going to be
sad if you start with the red-headed step-child of the Asteraceae family. Get yourself some fancy mixed lettuces or at
least a decent head of romaine. Maybe some spinach, even a little arugula for
those of you who will probably end up shaving half your head when you turn 40.
Invest in the base and the toppings will truly shine.
- Other vegetables
These are
key, so get some vegetables you like, in pretty colours, and get off your lazy
ass and chop them. Put them in your
goddamn salad before they rot in the crisper in the bottom of your fridge and
you throw them out two weeks later. Shit doesn’t have to be fancy; you don’t
have to julienne jack shit and it’ll
still be delicious. Buy vegetables, eat them, stop being a whiny fucking
princess.
- THE MAGIC
Even if you
follow my advice above, eating a salad can still be pretty soul-killing. That’s
why you add special toppings that give a little life and sexual indecency to
your otherwise missionary-position meal. They will also add calories, but if
you know me at all you will no that I only vaguely believe in calories, unless
you are deep-frying entire pigs stuffed with ice cream. Which, admittedly, may
be the best idea I’ve ever had.
 |
| Shrimp. AND BACON. |
Some
options for toppings to keep you from sadness:
-bacon
-cheese of
all kinds
-avocado
-nuts
-seeds
-berries
-various
meats
-eggs
-shrimp,
crab and lobster.
Seriously,
if your salad has fewer calories than a Big Mac then it’s your own stupid
fault.
Good luck
and salad hard,
Leslee
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